A Contest! Name That Law!

United States Secretary of Education Arne Duncan has not surprisingly said that he’s open to renaming the “No Child Left Behind Act” something else.   Before President Bush, for instance, the Clinton version of the law was called the “Improving America’s Schools Act.”  The underlying law is the Elementary and Secondary Education Act, it’s not going anywhere but a new name is likely in the offing.

Howie Schaffer suggested that the time is now to start naming names.  So let’s have a contest.  The person who offers the best name, decided via a highly arbitrary process involving me and a few friends, wins a signed copy of this picture of DCPS official Justin Cohen in a really tacky frame.  Runners-up get books.

785 Replies to “A Contest! Name That Law!”

  1. The Child-Propulsion Act

    Take your pick, jet engine or propeller. (Sorry, it’s not supposed to sound like children are propelling something. That would be child labor!)

  2. How about the, Let’s Tell Everyone They’re Going to College Even If They’re Not Qualified Act?

    Or, Drive Every Teacher Out (who has) eXperience?

    Or how about some training in basic mathematical concepts, such as the fact that “average” means that MANY PEOPLE WILL BE ON THE LOWER END OF THE SCALE – hence the term “average.” We need a mass refresher on mean, median, and mode!

  3. Some Adult Right Ahead

    (sort of flips the phrase word by word, and has a nice ring to it)

    Personally, as a private school teacher I loved “No Child Left Behind” since it allowed me to make the joke: “I teach at private school. We’re allowed to leave children behind.”

  4. Advocate Bland Curriculum (Our new ‘ABC’s)
    Every Test Left Behind
    Education Testing Companies Left Behind
    All Testing Company Profits Spent on Education

  5. How about the Hire Teachers Who Know A Goddamned Thing Or Two Besides Pedagogy and Hoopjumping Act (HTWKAGTOTWPHA)? No?

    OK, how about the Cry As China Leaves Us In the Dust Act? (CACLUDS?)

    Maybe the Remedial Bachelor’s Degree Act.

    Or the Never Come Near My Child With A Calculator Again Act.

    As the parent of a kindergartner, I’m more & more in favor of the Hand Over the Per-Cap Money to the Parents So We Can Educate Them Act. Yes, i know NCLB gets there eventually, but it takes too goddamned long.

  6. No Crony Left Behind

    Since NCLB was instituted, the standardized testing edifice [cronies of gov’t bureaucrats?] in USA has gone from a 1 billion a year to a 10 billion a year industry. Zo, government is smaller, but TESTINK iss beeger! And who paid for all that increase? Hahahaha! School Districts, that’s who! Hahahaha. Only, nobody gave them any more money to do it with and so what did they do? They scaled back elsewhere. Where would that be? In the classroom: larger class sizes, fewer teachers per student. Ain’t it great? Are we not the smartest people on the EARTH? Hahahaha.

  7. Renaming the No Child Left Behind Act is retarded. In that spirit, I offer my two suggestions:

    Because Americans Really All Care for Kids (BARACK)

    Offspring Benefits Are More-or-less Affordable (OBAMA)

  8. Bankers to Teachers Rehabilitation Program

    Provision 1: Double teacher salaries
    Provision 2: Remove teacher certification requirements
    Provision 3: Hazard pay for teaching underprivileged schools
    Provision 4: Keep bonuses under $18 billion

    It might just work…

  9. How about:

    “The Unfunded Mandates Statistically Impossible Goals Act” ?

    “Testing Companies Financial Enrichment Act” ?

  10. I submit that a supplementary HWH ‘Homeschool without Houses’ Act may also be both necessary & appropriate.

  11. Education is a Local Responsibility Act or
    No Constitutional Responsibility for Administering this Program (NoCRAP).

    Just like every most federal program…feed it dollars, make more paperwork, employ more workers, degrade the final product.

  12. Educate the Educatable and Leave the Rest Behind

    Seriously. Leave them behind. They don’t want to be in school anyway. Let them go learn a trade or work at walmart or an equally mindless job (congress? Alaska governor?).

  13. No School Left Standing
    (because you can’t possibly get better every year)

    No Time to Teach–We’re Busy Testing Act

    Let’s Gut This Act and Really Support Education in America

  14. Everybody Make Chicken Salad Although Some of You Only Get Chicken S**t Act (And No, We Don’t Fund Mayo or Celery)

  15. How about the….

    Yes-We-Can Educate Children Act


    The No More C-Students as President Act

    Or, to answer 43’s verbatim question, posed January 11, 2000, in Florence, SC: “Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?”, the…

    Yes, Our Children is Finally Learning Act

  16. Classroom Size Improvment Act (CSIA), to prepare our failing students for overcroded jails act JSIA, brought to you by Numbskulls in Government who want to Provide a Cheap but Worthless Camera Opportunity NGPCWCO, or “W” for short.

  17. Where Have the Good Teacher’s Gone

    After years of excessive regulations and testing that have eroded the essence of the great American classroom, THEY HAVE LEFT the profession.

  18. Long ago I was taught the Septic Tank Rule. School District Administrations adhere strictly to the rule. Just Like Septic Tanks, in School Districts the “poop” floats to the top (and stays there stinking). (This rule was shared by a Vice-Principal, great guy, who didn’t last long.). In that spirit, I propose:
    Schools Essentially Perpetually Teaching Idiotic Content and Testing All Nonsense Knowledge ACT.

  19. I always thought the original act should have been called “No One Child Left Behind”.

    How about simply “We Owe Kids A Better Education Act”?

  20. It should be:
    One Size Fits All

    Because whether a child trips on it because it’s too long, or his or her belly shows because it is too short, it’s the best possible way to cover a child- in all seasons too!

  21. If You Are Smarter Than a Bush You Pass Act

    The Average IQ is 100 Act

    Your Teacher is Tired of Trying to Figure Out How the F*** Not to Leave You Behind While Everyone Else is Bored Silly and Learning Nothing Act

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